I think all the people that 'love' me don't know the real me.
I wish I could hate you as much as I hate myself.

The 5 L's

I'm definitely surrounded my death, and I feel almost blessed by this. For a young person and to have lost so many people I have given my heart too feels almost surreal. How can I explain how it feels when you're holding someones hand who is transitioning from life into death? When they call out for their mothers and can see them in front of them when I can't see anything? Do I believe it, or are they hallucinating from the pain? So I comfort them, say it's ok to move on, when I come back again they are gone. I won't ever see them in their human form ever again.

This use to disturb me because I care for these people like they are my friends. It doesn't matter if they are old or young or sick or demented, they are my friends, they've impacted my life, they care for me as I care and love for them. A close work friend instilled me with a bit of insight that has made me feel better about losing people I care for. She told me that when they move on they become angels that look over us in the same way we looked after them. Those who have left us behind have left me many blessings, and I will never ever forget them.

Studying the End of Life is very uplifting, and it teaches us the way to work through loss is the 5 L's:
Love
Live
Laugh
Learn
Listen.

Death can enrich our lives, and in a strange way being beside someone during their transition period has made me not scared of death at all, how can you be? We have so much inside us not to live on and teach every one we've left behind.

We dance like we're on sedatives,
The air feels thick through my fingers
The spaces so you can fit your hand through
I just want to rip that muscle right out of your chest
And watch it burn away like
a desperately craved cigarette

Ballet shoes
They only look good on you
Every cell underneath your skin
Is like a thousand stars floating
In one of our downed bottles
of stolen gin

Your a nasty habit
The girl of my dreams
Even the prettiest girls get the
Blues
And the only thing that tears me away from my sadness
Is one and only
You

Everyday I
Secretly hope one of us will die
Then I can drink myself to death
In the hope of forever being
By your side

I wan't to feel alive.

I always knew I'd die young
Loosening the grip on my IV
..the people around me
"why?" .. "why.." fake concern,
dripping from their eyes

...well I've never really been
Happy inside

All I adore is the bottomless needle
A hand full of love wrapped around my heart
I wish you could see, without it the world
is so dark

Empty blue veins, struggling to run
Through me
It's inject or drown in my own misery

My arteries keep trying to hide
..cause the pain of the sharp is
Eating away at my insides
And so I wrap the tourniquet
Tighter then tight

I don't use cause I want to die
I do this because,
I want to feel alive.

There's a hole in my arm, cash goes in
and love secretes out
But the voices in my head,
Nothing will keep them down

...and I can hide from my sadness
I can hide from the way I look
I can hide from them, and all those
horrible things they said

I can hide from the endless,
sorrow that I felt
But I can never hide from
Myself.