so it finally, fell
and i laid out in the sunlight for hours;
moon phases and seasons bloomed
flowers
my palms outstretched.. turned upward
trying to seek some words
of gentle advice from the universe
or god, or the like
where do i go? my whole world just
fell in front of me
and i could only stare blankly
like that inner chaos where you
can feel your veins
stinging the inside of your skin
or your lungs filling with fluid
so your soul can
sink

i slice my artery in the shower
watching the blood diffuse into
the water
I let the mixture of blood
and water run down
my legs and watch my
feelings drip down the drain
get the hell
away


over thinking
over drinking
under sleeping
slipping and sinking

.
and there is nothing
anyone
can
do.
least of all me.

there could be someone out there
who says they love someone
the same way that I
love
you
There could be someone out there
whose tendons are bursting and
cell fibres are
ripping apart
trying to coagulate the internal
chaos to question everything that they
even do
wondering who they were before
they met you
theres no secret why god put our hearts
behind ribcages
because it would take something so unreal
and intense to dissipate those bones
and break them

there could be
someone out there who is holding someones
hips close for the night
someone out there who is seeing
a river through there eyes
saying goodbye
someone who is holding onto someone's
hand while they
die
someone out there who is kissing
another for the first time
who is blowing candles out
running away
watching a sunrise in a new
place they have never seen before
learning to read
packing their bags for an adventure
with someone else
there could be someone out there
who is giving away all their secrets and
learning how to trust
or looking back and writing their
stories bleeding their veins onto pages
of memories and dust
there could be staring up at the stars and calculating
just how far
they are from the one that they love
there could be someone out there who is
is waiting for 11:11 to wish for someone
else
or flying through a daisy patch
or making beautiful artwork that will never
see any one else's eyes
someone who is standing on the edge of a
balcony choosing between death and life

there could be someone out there who
says they love someone the same way that
i love you
but
they are
wrong.

i'm tired, no ... not sleepy
resting my head won't help me
it's an exhaustion that isn't
defined by the words to
articulate life
it sits in my stomach
and isn't even soaked up by
the beautiful
light...
i know even my normal motions
are slow and displaced
i count myself ready out of bed
each day
set my alarm well before six
because it takes me so long to
grow the guts to just
exist




My stomach aches, my legs cramp
my nerves burn me
but it's the only level of
feeling
my body can seem to create
i feel like i'm on some medicine
that has turned this gorgeous world
into a rotten waste

and my mind; which use to read, and study
and write
can no longer put two words in a row
a page would take a week to even read
...not to absorb though
I don't even have the feelings to hate
myself
or try to end my life
I'm convinced I deserve this suffering
and to leave I have no right
It's not pain; agony, I don;t know
there's no words that are right
it's just exhaustion
that isn't restored by a long
dreamy night
confusion on not knowing
what is not real and what
is right.

I must tell you that I should really like to think there’s something wrong with me- Because, if there isn’t, then there’s something wrong with the world itself-and that’s much more scary! That would be terrible. So I’d rather believe there is something wrong with me, that could be put right.

all night i lay awake
and read through pages of those
who have suffered the same
fate
whose minds disconnect from truth and

they spill their stories onto pages
that keep my mind safe through these
stages
the words in the stories keep me calm
and i just want to see some cherry
red blood spilling down my
pale arms
for no other reason but it seems to
listen to those strange things my mind
tells me to do